Some people in the last week or so have begun to wonder why there is such a fuss about Shelley Lubben, and why some of us are so fixated on her.

It’s not as if she’s the first former porn performer to be highly critical of the industry, or that her fundamentalist Christian approach to sexuality isn’t propogated on a regular basis.

And more than one person has even said that the campaign to expose her illogic is now crossing the line to basically “smearing” her for just speaking out.

To those objections, I give you this lengthy essay that was originally posted by one of the principled Lubben critics, Lydia Lee (aka Julie Meadows) in June of last year. At that time, Lydia/Julie was a regular contributor to porn producer/agent Mike South’s blog, and as a former performer herself, had garnered interest in Lubben’s Pink Cross ministry and her approach in converting former performers and attacking the industry. The resulting essay should cast no doubt on why exposing Ministeress Lubben’s lunacy is at the utmost importance.

This was also reprinted to my SmackDog Chronicles blog as a page titled “The Ultimate Shelley Lubben Reading/Smackdown” as a special page.

A full cacophony of Lydia’s posts on Shelley Lubben can be found here.

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In a way, I’m glad “Devil Lady” attacked my friend Monica Foster’s mental health and challenged her to a debate. I’ve written about her before here, in a post called Questions for Shelley Lubben about The Pink Cross, because like anyone who is not anti-porn, I had an immediate list of inquiries as to the personal integrity of someone who used to be in the sex industry of their own volition, and then turns around to attack it.

The challenge to debate Monica, and then the verbal attacks to me and the condescending tone with which Shelley directs all her commentary towards people who are not anti-porn caused me to look more deeply at this “savior” of porn stars, and I can see very clearly what her game is. And it is a game. I did not know, until my digging, that she and her minions had sent menacing emails to popular porn stars to get saved from porn – and even to get saved on MTV. Menacing emails meant to intimidate and manipulate, and it is not for the purpose of saving porn stars. If you look at her financial records, more goes towards travel than to helping porn stars. She’s a plagiarist on her own site because she stole a story from AVN without crediting them for the information, and without an autopsy report, does credit porn with the death of Ami Jordan, someone who had not done much in the industry at all and had not even worked recently doing any scenes just before her death. Accusing agents and pornographers of illegally positioning themselves as “doctors” while she poses as an authority on information without all the information hardly warms my heart towards her motives. Does Shelley Lubben own the rights to the pictures she uses in her Dead Porn Stars Memorial video? And if not, does she at least own the licensing rights to use those pictures?

Before I get into her story, in her own words, I have to go back to the simplicity of her game plan. First of all, she attacks porn because porn is not illegal. There’s no reason to kick prostitutes when they’re down because they’re already down. Secondly, she needs to save a popular porn star so she can ride on the coattails of the woman’s already established fame. All of this points to a political career, which angers me because religion and politics should never mix. She especially targets strong independent women, like my friend Monica, because it angers her that an intelligent woman would stand in her way. She’s fixated with Monica’s sites www.GettingIntoPorn.com and www.GettingOutOfPorn.com because Monica offers free and practical solutions for entering and exiting the business of adult movie-making. It defies her “God Saves” position because it proves that a person can actually save his or herself from anything, logically, practically, simply, just by using their own common sense.

I just watched a five part video series, Shelley Lubben speaks truth about porn industry, about ex-prostitute Shelley Lubben, and she explains herself perfectly, in her own words. I couldn’t have done it better, myself.

Shelley is on a stage, and she explains (to an entirely male audience, I guess, because she only addresses the men ever), how she grew up and came to be a married Christian woman. She explains that her father was distant and that her mother preached at her a lot and judged her, and was not a very Christ-like woman. I’m guessing that she was an only child because she never mentioned having brothers or sisters. She said that her favorite time of the week was Sunday and going to Sunday School because Jesus “talked to her all the time.” Okay.

At the age of nine she was molested by a boy and his sister. She started masturbating after that and started having sex with other people at the age of sixteen. She said that her mother let her dress up as a Playboy bunny and took pictures of her when she was fifteen, “to keep the peace.” She says she was a real handful. Very rebellious and absolutely set on “getting the attention she wanted.” Her dad kicked her out right after she graduated High School. She said that he warned her he was going to before he did and she shrugged him off. So she was on the street, crying, and a man came up to sit with her and she thought, “My Jesus has come to rescue me.” It’s creepy and it’s heartbreaking, because this woman/child is on the stage explaining why she is the way she is, and she still doesn’t really understand any of it. I feel incredible sympathy for her if those things really happened to her, and I have no reason to believe they did not, but as she clearly spells out exactly why, what and how, she attributes all of her subconscious decisions to “The Devil” and “God” and “Jesus”, all of her conversations with her conscience as conversations with “The Devil” and “God” and “Jesus”, and never once portrays herself as a whole person, even as she claims to now be a whole person. But honestly, most of my sympathy goes to her husband, because instead of just giving him all the credit for meeting her and loving her and marrying her and sticking by her even when she “smacked him around,” “spit on him” and “cheated on him,” all the credit during her entire speech goes to “The Devil” and “God” and “Jesus”. She says as she’s listening to him talk one day, her thought is, “Is this God?” Um… no? It’s a man? Oh, I don’t know. A man in front of you that you should be talking about for at least half of the entire hour of your life story? Garrett, her husband, and the man who saved her from being a single-mom/prostitute only got some mention, and when she told him to stand up so she could “honor” him, after telling everyone that when he asked her to marry him, she said, “I don’t love you, I’m not attracted to you, but I’ll do it [marry him],” and “You went to college, you can make the money,” the camera couldn’t even see him. It careened all over the place. The angle centered on her, from backstage, and there was room for no one else. Shouldn’t he have gotten a moment on stage, maybe? Maybe he didn’t want it, but she didn’t have very nice things to say about him, even though he was the actual reason her life got better. And also because she made her life better. That’s probably the worst part of the brainwashing process to me, that the level of self-loathing is so deep, even when one starts to feel better about themselves, they still can’t attribute their happiness to their own efforts. “By the grace of God!” What’s wrong with, “By the grace of my ability to listen to myself and my presence of mind and love myself and love for myself and not through someone else.” And, “By the grace of a real live human being who helped me… named Garrett.” Too many words? She still won’t give herself any credit, and even though she deserves to give herself credit, she continues to describe an entire life led by other forces and other people, where she never took the reigns and steered any of it on her own, right down to making a website.

So, she was crying and a man came to talk to her, and she wondered if it was “Her Jesus come to rescue her,” in a little girl’s voice, and it was someone offering her thirty-five dollars to have sex with someone else, his treat for his friend, I guess. She said her first thought was, “No. I’m not a prostitute,” but then “The Devil” came to her and said, “God doesn’t care about you, your parents don’t care about you.” End result, she took the money. Then she says she became a “con artist” after that, her own words. “I became a master manipulator, a practiced liar, a con artist conning men out of thousands and thousands of dollars.” (As she says this to a room full of men whose support she wants. Do you think she did her speech for free? Who payed for her travel?) Ahem. Anyway…

Now, this is where it really gets weird on another level. She says that she hated men, but then she says that “all women in the sex industry hate men.” Okay, she attributes all her misfortune to “The Devil”, and all her fortune to “God” and “Jesus” (with a teeny smidgen set aside for the man she also severely emasculates in front of hundreds of people, her husband), then proposes to know the minds of “all women in the sex industry.” Her two faces change back and forth constantly through the entire performance. She’s controlled by other forces, yet she knows the minds of all sex industry workers. It’s not physically possible for her to know the minds of “all women in the sex industry,” because it’s not physically possible for her to be all women in the sex industry. I would have to be you to know what you think, and it’s not physically possible for me to be you. Not possible. She doesn’t explain how she knows this. She doesn’t say she met every woman in the sex industry and asked them if they hated men. How can she not attribute her own happiness and healing completely to herself and her husband, but then attribute knowing all women of the sex industry to her own faculties without explaining how she knows that? I was in the sex industry and I never hated men. She’s appealing to the emotions of this all-male crowd to feel loathing and pity for sex workers because sex workers hate them, and then at the end of her performance she gushes about how much she loves all the men she’s talking to. She is incorrect in her statement because I don’t hate men, and if I don’t hate men, “all sex workers” don’t hate men. You can’t say “all” and exclude one sex worker, past or present. She can’t speak for me because it is physically impossible for her to be me, and therefore impossible for her to know me and my mind without asking me. Her statement is a lie. She conveniently relinquishes responsibility for her own mind in one sentence, and then poses as all-knowing for others minds in the next. There is a very clear disorder in all of this.

She got pregnant three times as a prostitute, lost two in miscarriages and gave birth to and kept her third. That seemed a triumphant ending even if she doesn’t know who the father is, because she could have aborted the baby or given it away, but she kept it. Unfortunately, she also said that she was an alcoholic, a drug addict, that she had stalkers, and that she gave her daughter a beeper to go to the park while her tricks showed up, and then she would beep her daughter when they left. So, you had “stalkers”, but you sent your daughter to the park, by herself? Then she says that she continued to talk to “God” and she’d say, “Where are you? Why aren’t you saving me?” Definitely the mentality of a little girl, and it pains me that her parents didn’t try to raise her, the way she didn’t try to raise her own daughter, at that point. There’s no mental balance in letting your children run wild on their own to learn from other children and predators. No inner voice handed down, a conscience to say, “No, don’t do that,” or “Don’t trust that person,” with a sound and solid explanation behind it. That is very sad.

She says, “I never met a woman in the industry who loves what they do. We’re all liars, we’re all very good actresses.” I like that she uses the editorial “we” in this statement because so much of the things she thinks she’s skewing against porn stars points to the truth about herself. “We’re all liars.” And, of course, in all of this we know she’s saying “I”. Yet again, she projects herself on every female as being her even though she does not steer her own life. In her mind, her conscience is an outside voice, but other women’s minds are her own. It’s all very mentally disturbed and cult-like. In fact, it’s a kind of mental fragmentation. A split in the personality. It’s not possible for every women in the industry to be her. Nina Hartley would absolutely disagree with this woman. I know. I talked to her on Sunday and that woman loves her job. Loves her job. There was no camera on her. She meant it. Who would know but her? Again, Shelley can’t be incapable of owning all her mental faculties and owning someone else’s. Not possible.

So, she said that she talked to God but, “there was no answer.” So, by her count we’re supposed to believe that “Jesus talked to [her] all the time” as a child, but for her darker periods as an adult, God wouldn’t “answer” her. It doesn’t seem like a very kind God to not say something when you are talking to… it. Him. Then someone suggested she do a porn movie because she knew prostitutes that were “raped and beaten”, and she “didn’t want to be raped or go to jail”, so she showed up to do a scene. She says there was a dark presence in the room and she “knew porn was worse than prostitution.” I don’t know any sex worker, personally, who would say that being a legal sex worker is worse than being an illegal sex worker. The only way this makes sense is that her political and evangelical position is to attack the legal side with all means necessary. It’s not possible for porn to be worse than being a completely unprotected sex worker. She doesn’t explain exactly how it’s worse, of course. Then she said that once the camera started rolling, all of her anger towards every man that ever hurt her, and a father that never loved her, came out and she was a wild woman. “Roxy!” And then she says, “Anointed by The Devil, himself.” What a split. She admits that she took out her man-hating frustrations in front of the camera, explains why she turned into a wild woman, and at the same time hands responsibility to yet, another man, albeit an invisible one. Very extreme. But then, she also says later that she was diagnosed as bipolar, as well as other things. All in her own words.

Then she states that, “On porn sets you can hear women crying and throwing up.” This is an absolute statement and she is addressing it to the audience to say, if you are ever on a porn set, you can hear that. But who heard that, really? And on whose sets? Could she have really been privy to every porn set? It’s not physically possible. She is, yet again, manipulating their emotions through an illogical statement. What she’s really saying is that she heard that, and it’s vague enough to imply she heard that on all porn sets. She’s saying it in the present, except that she can’t know because she’s not on porn sets anymore. Hasn’t been for over fifteen years. I never in six years of working regularly on porn sets ever heard women either crying or throwing up. Not even on the not-so-great gonzo sets I worked on in the beginning, were there ever any women crying or throwing up. If that was her experience at that time, she should specify that that was her experience at that time. Neither Jane Hamilton nor Nina Hartley ever said that making porn was anything other than fun, years before “Roxy” was making movies. Could that period of time really have been that dotted with crying, vomiting women when no other era had a constant population of crying and vomiting women?

“Enema boxes and rags in the corner, which is what we’re staring at as every man takes his turn.” She’s speaking in the present again, and “as every man takes his turn?” “Every man taking his turn” implies a gang bang, and by Mike’s post Shelley Lubben Now Whoring Jesus, I can see that she did, in fact, do gang bang scenes. At least one. Personally, I didn’t perform in gang bang scenes, so again she is including me in the editorial “we” which makes her statement a lie. And still, you have to say, “Yes, I’ll do that,” or it doesn’t happen. It doesn’t sound like “waiting for God to save you” is a very good idea at all. Why not save yourself at that point? According to her, she’s a zombie to the forces of good and evil and a mind reader. And since she knows what happens on all porn sets today and every day since she got out of the industry, even while living in Washington with no contact with people from the industry, she also has teleportation powers. A clairvoyant, teleporting zombie. Psychiatrists have names for conditions like that. And what, you never used “enemas” or “rags” as a prostitute? How did you clean your ass out and wash up after?

She did crystal meth and drank before her scenes. I never took one drop of liquor before a scene, never smoked one joint, popped pills or did anything other than eat food and drink water before a scene. There are lots of women like me. I know that because I know them. I’m not saying “all”, because I know I’m not clairvoyant and I do not teleport or claim to be all-knowing while also claiming to not own my mind entirely. To quote Bill Maher, “…anyone who tells you they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you don’t. How can I be so sure? Because I don’t know, and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.”

She talks about how sex is pain for her. The acts were painful and so she would “bite down on an invisible bullet and take the pain.” There’s already an invisible cast in this performance, might as well throw in an invisible bullet, too. Again she pleaded, “God get me out of this!” And God said, “Dummy, get yourself out of it!” and God waited, but there was no answer… I made that part up. Then she says, “In the industry we don’t use condoms.” To her audience, the way she’s speaking, she’s still in the industry because she’s speaking in the present… again… and she is implying that condoms aren’t even in the vicinity of any porn set, not when she was in, and not now, even though she’s not in the industry right now… nor has been for over fifteen years. I did condom-only scenes for years. I can show you the movies and point to the condoms! Where was she a porn star? Europe? She should be clear that she was not a porn star here in L.A. “In the industry we don’t use condoms.” Liar. Then she says, “Every single day we live in fear of catching a sexually transmitted disease or even worse, HIV.” And then she very blatantly contradicts herself. She says she got into porn, and then she says she left porn quietly and got back into prostitution because she contracted herpes. We are to assume she contracted herpes as a porn star, even though she adds that she went to “swinger parties” and “did coke” and had “whipping parties”. So in all of this, she was only in porn for a year and feared for her life every day, except that if you only did thirty movies in a one-year period, that hardly justifies being afraid of contracting a sexually transmitted disease or HIV every day, unless you’re having unprotected sex every day. And how does she know she didn’t contract herpes at one of the parties? She practiced her right to use condoms at coke parties, but not on set? But here’s where she changes it.

So… so far, chronologically, she got into porn and only returned to prostitution because she contracted herpes. She lived in fear every day of catching a sexually transmitted disease or HIV because “the industry doesn’t use condoms.” Later she says, “What we do is when we’re porn stars, we’re also prostitutes.” Okay! So she could have contracted herpes as a prostitute? Yes, because then she says, “We fly around the country and sleep with people for lots of money, ‘cuz they’re our fans. So then we have unprotected sex with them, of course.” Of course? I don’t know one high-paid escort/porn star who has unprotected sex with their clients!! This irresponsible woman did not insist on condoms, admits that she did coke and drank before scenes, contracted herpes and then says she infected a married couple with herpes, then adds, “Did that stop me?” as in, ‘No. It didn’t.’ And then horror of horrors, “I helped contribute to America’s epidemic of herpes.” … Um… Wow. She admits to unprotected sex with clients while she performed in sex movies and then immediately says, “So I believe the adult film industry is a huge contributing factor to sexually transmitted disease in America.” Right! Evidently, you are the huge contributor, in your own words! And if you’re sleeping with clients without protection, you can’t say “the adult film industry” gave you herpes, because you don’t know, the way you don’t know who the father of your firstborn daughter is. Honey, you are contributing to more epidemics than that! You gave your daughter a beeper so you could turn tricks, you had unprotected sex with people knowing you had herpes and now instead of trying to teach these young women in the industry that they should be intelligent and own their minds so they don’t end up like you, you just propose that the industry should go away? Just disappear? Like your “God” disappeared? As irresponsible as she admits to being, these women are supposed to be okay with being saved by her? A robot? Do I have that right? “We” should all relinquish our minds and our sense of repsonsibility and make porn go away. Which will only drive it underground where it won’t go away but will be seedier and less safe than it is now. I am nothing like Shelley Lubben. A woman of her advanced age should know better. My cat would make a better mother figure and he licks his butt. I’m suppose to just turn into a huband-emasculating woman-hater. No thanks!

She admits to looking towards pornographers as “daddy figures”. (Yeah, that’s mother figure material.) She says about porn stars, “Don’t ever let them tell you they aren’t prostitutes. Oh yes they are.” Of course, she’s the only one making the huge distinction between the esteemed prostitute versus the lowly porn star. Then she thinks to herself, “I’m a prostitute again, [she just said she never stopped!] and I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life and I feel like no man will ever want me.” Really? You never felt that way while you were a drug addict and your daughter was at the park with a beeper so you could have unprotected sex with strangers? Then she met a Pastor’s son who had crystal meth, they stayed up on meth and “played checkers ’til 3am.” This is where she emasculates him through demeaning details about not being attracted to him but marrying him, anyway. Classy. Oh, and great for your daughters to hear, by the way. Nice way to respect your meal ticket. The actual man who saved you. She says, “We never went to the doctors [sic] or the dentist [the editorial "we", again]. The outside appearance looks pretty good.” Insinuating that the inside is neglected while the outside is kept up… although all the porn stars I know consider their teeth to be part of the “outside appearance”. I love the constant projection of her own stupidity. She does it so much better than anyone else possibly could. “We” meaning “me and the voices or lack thereof in my mostly empty head.”

She overdosed on drugs several times – slits her wrists, took pills – and none of it ever took (because she’s too dumb to even accomplish suicide… ugh!). Garret joined the army and they moved to Washington. She ran to the army psychologist one day and poured everything out and he diagnosed her! This is rich. Her list goes, “Bipolar Disorder, Impulsive Control Disorder, Depressive Disorder, Addictive Disorder” while adding that she needed to attend Anger Managment classes. Her own words. Then she went to church and the preacher pointed at her and said, “Do you know that there’s a champion in you?” Then she says it, “hit her hard [because] no one ever saw the champion in me.” Um… your husband!? You know, the one you happily emasculate in front of the world. I guess it’s a good thing you don’t have any sons because they would really be traumatized. Still, just a little girl that can’t see the gem inside herself who needs the validation from others to see what’s already there.

So, she starts to heal and go to church and every once in awhile, while she’s doing dishes or cooking and “trying to be a Mom,” (oy vey), “Satan would come along and, [whooshing sound and weird vector hand movement] here’s a scene with you and those three guys, [next whooshing sound and weird vector hand movement] here’s a scene where you’re doing prostitution with so-and-so, [third whooshing sound and weird vector hand movement] here’s a scene where you’re doing [pause, and then because she can't think of anything properly graphic] … another movie.” Her conscience didn’t make her remember she was an überwhore for several years, “Satan” did. But then again, “Satan” is one’s conscience when you don’t want to remember what you did, and “Jesus”and “God” cheer you on to do the right thing… when they’re… ignoring you… through the worst period… of your life… because… they can… Okay…?

“I started putting scriptures all over my walls like a crazy lady.” She said it. I didn’t say it, she said it. “God’s freed me from all the trauma of the sex industry.” Oh yeah. Freed you so much you’re… submerged in it… and talking about it… and obsessed with it! “Crazy lady.” She said it. I didn’t say it. “God is the biggest promise keeper. He’s the only one who never let me down.” Except when he was ignoring you, of course. “God is everything to me. He’s the air I breath. I can’t do anything without him.” Poor Garrett. How can you compete with that? If she transferred that feeling into the relationship with her husband, and had a healthy sex life with him, and worshiped him the way she worships her “God”, he’d probably be the luckiest man on the planet! She’s got loads of charisma and energy. If she loved him like she loves “God”, he’d get the masculinity she’s stripped from him, back, and their daughters would see what an actual healthy relationship looks like, rather than watching their mother rant and demand attention from strange men she doesn’t know. “I don’t love you, I’m not attracted to you, but I’ll do it [marry Garrett].” What was the other thing? Oh, after he kicked meth she said she found him boring. “I liked you better on meth!” Nice. He probably liked you better as a whore.

And then of Tiffany, her oldest, “God totally restored our relationship. She’s on fire, she ministers to the youth. She also had a problem with pornography and masturbation so she’s out there like I am, saying, ‘You know what, let’s get free from masturbation…’” So the porn industry isn’t enough, you have to preach against masturbation? Are you crazy? Well, you already covered that. There was a half-hearted bout of clapping from the crowd after that. Free from masturbation? Does “Satan” live my middle and index fingers? Give up masturbation! You really do want everyone to be crazy!

So, God “promoted us and made us move back to California.” … And she said, “No way.” And you can guess what happened after that. God said, “Yes way.” And she said, “No way.” And so on… She really did say that she said, “No way.” Like totally? Gross me out!

“At the time, I had no idea that there was a porn addiction or a porn pandemic going on.” So, all those clients just happened to be the only people paying for sex when she was a prostitute? Larry Flint becoming a millionaire with Hustler Magazine in the ’70s was just a fluke, I guess? I suppose she made as much as she did as a performer in the adult industry because the producers wanted to pay her high sums of money out of the kindness of their hearts and not because they got a huge return on their investment? Then she says that for eight years she didn’t watch t.v., she just devoted herself to “God”. “I didn’t even like t.v., I still don’t like t.v., it’s so boring.” You don’t like t.v., but you want to be all over it? “What do I want to watch t.v. for? Those people aren’t powerful.” The 700 Club isn’t powerful? ABC News? Nightline? MTV? Why did you agree to be on t.v., then, if “those people aren’t powerful?” Right.

And then, because everything else isn’t offensive enough, she talks about ministering in prisons and how, “God was delivering demons out of people, was healing them. I mean, gays were turning straight. God was performing miracles right in front of me.” So you’re against gays, too?? This sleazy, nasty, disgusting, disease bag who, in her own words, “…helped contribute to America’s epidemic of herpes,” gave her kid the boot so she could trick, smacked her husband around and cheated on him and continues to torture him by even being against masturbation, is now a moral authority on sexual orientation, too? You gotta be fucking kidding me! And she didn’t want to create her own website, but “God” told her to? And she doesn’t like t.v. because t.v. isn’t powerful? Really? Even though every time you make an appearance you re-record it and post it on YouTube! You psychotic windbag!

She says she got out of the film industry just in time for her movies not to be smeared all over the internet? Are you kidding me? You’re ugly. I can’t imagine you got out of porn as much as you just couldn’t get any more work. You’re ugly inside and out. “I know anybody who watches my stuff’s gonna get zapped by the Holy Spirit.” Or zapped by an unholy urge to cry and vomit. Then she’s talking to wives who are jealous of porn stars and says, “You’re jealous of us? We’re plastic. Every piece of us is fake.” Speak for yourself on that one, Devil Lady, because you’re right. Every piece of YOU is fake. The current weave in your head right down to your fake soul. And then she drops the “we” just in time to say, “Those girls are slaves of Satan.” You do not have the authority to speak for other people. According to you, you don’t even have the authority to speak for yourself. You “don’t do anything without God.” You don’t even move back to California or create a website of your own volition. You don’t speak for me! I don’t know who owns your brain, but they are not handling their duties very well. Your “God’s” not very impressive. He’s a sloppy, herpes-spreading, woman-hating, child-hating, husband-emasculating “God”. He’s a loser, quite frankly. Which means (because I know you’re stupid and you won’t understand), that you’re a loser, because as much as you don’t want to admit it, you chose to be a whore because you wanted to be a whore.

Then she tells husbands that, “it’s impossible for a woman to enjoy making a porn movie, because the director’s always yelling ‘Cut!’ ‘Freeze!’ Can you imagine being in a hardcore act with several performers and having to freeze in position for five minutes while they adjust lighting and cameras?” She’s talking about her gang bang movies, again. She’s kinky. I guess one-on-one is too intimate, hence all the voices in her head and the entire male-dominated group she’s addressing.

Then she describes performers as “adult survivors of child abuse, like me.” Tell your own story, Devil Lady. You are a liar once again. I didn’t suffer from child abuse. “I’ve researched hundreds of backgrounds of porn stars for the last three years.” Well, there are thousands, and you could only be researching people who want your help, and that is not “everyone”. I know plenty of McDonalds employees that want to be saved from their life, too.

And then the really creepy part comes… She points to the crowd and says, “I need you… to be our fathers.” Ew!!! I thought she said she found her father in “God”? Soliciting daddy functions from a crowd of strange men using the all encompassing “we” for women – most of whom don’t want her representation – is pretty fucking sick. “I need you men to rise up and be the leaders of this country.” Honey, those men are the leaders of this country. If Garret wasn’t insulted before, he should be insulted now. Really? You don’t see the severely warped connection between bowing down on a set around multiple strangers and taking whatever they give you, and standing in front of multiple strangers telling them you’ll take whatever they give you. Demanding it? You need voices to tell you to move to another state and create a website, and yet you want men other than your husband to “lead you”? She pleads with these men, who are the ones “in powerful positions”? Is this another “Satan” flashback of multiple men popping jizz onto your face? And really? “Women can’t save America.” You actually propose to lead porn stars out of porn so they can what? Depend on themselves, or depend on a man? Give them to someone in your congregation? That’s exactly how you are vocalizing your thoughts about a “woman’s place” under a man. Wow. How anticlimactic. But then it makes sense. If “we” are “you” (even though you don’t know who you are, or how many you are), then that means we were all molested as children, we all have herpes and daughters we’ve traumatized through husband-emasculation and abandonment, we marry men we don’t actually like and aren’t actually attracted to just because they want to marry us, we masturbate because of “Satan”, and we need to ask men we don’t know to take care of us because our dumb boring husbands are just not good enough. The whole asking men to “be our fathers” and “lead us” thing is perverted, and extremely inappropriate. If I were a woman married to one of the men in the audience, I would be highly offended.

“I was an innocent victim. I didn’t raise my hand to do that [get into the industry].” Yes, you did. “Did you know the largest group viewing porn is ages 12 to 17?” Really? Someone like your own daughter because you weren’t around to be an actual parent? “Do you know that if we don’t help these children within the next few years we’ll have an entire generation of porn addicts who’ll become our politicians and leaders.” Ha!!! As if our politicians and leaders aren’t sex addicts and perverts due to years of sexual repressions. You are fucking kidding me! “My eighteen-year-old [Tiffany] looks at me and says, ‘Mom, there’s no one to date. They’re all looking at porn.’” Evidently, she turned them onto it because you turned her onto it. “Go tell the men what they’re viewing [porn] is hamburger meat. In the form of horse meat.” What? You may be as brain dead as a Big Mac, but I’m not hamburger meat… in the form of… horse meat? What does that even mean? Bitch be crazy! Then she explains that horse meat will poison you? She’s reaching here to make the connection between porn stars as meat and porn as poison. And it’s not true, or Jack In The Box would have gone completely under years ago. She can’t even get that detail straight.  Then she says she knows that men in the audience are struggling with porn addiction. Eva Peron played this same angle with the Argentines, having been a sleazy woman who slept her way to the top. Wanting the men to see her as a fantasy, and a saint. She proved just as corrupt a leader as any man. By projecting her sex appeal, telling that crowd of men that they need to be women’s daddies and “take back the country”, she’s playing the same game. I am disgusted that she comes from the same industry I come from. I’ll take fifty uppity Jenna Jamesons over Shelley Lubben any day, because at least Jenna told the truth about herself. She’s not a good spokesperson for the industry anymore, but she doesn’t profess to talk to invisible people, not know her mind, and she doesn’t inject false words and lies upon other performer’s lives.

She tells the men suffering from porn addiction to stand up and she’ll pray. She starts praying and then she says, “God says there’s more of you that need to stand up.” My mind drifts back to what she said in the beginning of her story, “I became a master manipulator, a practiced liar, a con artist conning men out of thousands and thousands of dollars.” She never stopped. After she prays some reverberation comes out of the speaker and she says, “I command that to stop in Jesus’ name.” And when the sound guy makes it stop and she says, “God is such a showoff.” That’s right Shelley. Thing is, “God” is the sound man, and me, and even the porn stars who like their life. You need to listen to “God” more often. Your conscience isn’t worth shit.

Shelley has flipped the coin. She was extremely one way, and now she’s extremely the other way, but her coin still has two sides, and therefore two distinct faces. She’s a frustrated woman with a new gig, but her game is still the same, and my guess people treated her badly because she treated them badly.

I have sympathy for anyone who goes through difficult things, but the voices in your head are you, and if you never stop and make sense of them, you will be a constant danger to yourself and those around you. I am nothing like you and never experienced any of the things you mentioned. You boast “ex-porn star” for attention, and then boast prostitution for street cred, but the fact is, you were a prostitute for years, with only thirty movies under your belt. That doesn’t make you a star, it makes you a more recognizable whore. We all go and back and forth on our ideas and philosophies because life is ever-changing. I hated the word whore but now I like it. It’s a powerful word and only a word that powerful can be born of extreme feeling. Women have that kind of power, like it or not. But you don’t deserve to wear that word. Any person who claims to be purely controlled by outside forces is an object. There’s no word for you because, according to you, you don’t exist. No spirit and no thought that is your own. What a sad waste of life. But it’s not to late. Go worship your husband, for a change. Go give him a blow job and sit on his face and stop hitting on strangers. When you’re truly happy, you’ll find out what “God” is.