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WOW.

Just when you think that Wasilla, Alaska’s most prominent citizen politician/grandma/hockey mom/wingnut in heels couldn’t get any whackier…she goes and pulls THIS.

First, she outdoes even the lamest “Clone” on Jim Rome’s sports talk show who manages to get in over his head with one bad gloss too many, and pulls an “Ahhh….errrrrrr….Eject!!!….OUT!!!” on the citizens of Alaska by resigning from her Governor’s seat less than two years after her ascension to the Mansion.

And then…she does the equivalent of one of the original Van Smack Sins: she read her own fax. As in, that crazy speech she gave anouncing her quitting..errrrr, stepping down.

Problem was, there was no buzzer to stop this really bad call.  Or…maybe it wasn’t such a problem.

Here’s the video version of Palin’s resignation speech, via CNN:

Alaska Governor/2008 Republican Party Vice-Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin announcing her resignation from the Governor’s Seat (CNN, via YouTube)

But let’s ignore for the moment the general atmosphere surrounding the Lake Lucille “speech”: the wild geese cackling behind her, the shell-shocked looks of Palin’s folks next to her, etc. etc., and focus on the speech itself….in particular, the transcript that was handed out to the media just before Saint Sarah of Wasilla threw herself to the windmills.

That would be the same transcript that was posted to the official Alaska Governor’s website that day, and (though somewhat cleaned up) to other media outlets.

While it would take an entire book to analyze the grand bizarro sureallism of that moment, a few highlights will suffice.

Let’s begin at the beginning, as it were.

Hi Alaska, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people I serve, as your Governor.

People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing’s more important to me than our beloved Alaska. Serving her people is the greatest honor I could imagine.

Right out the bat: “Hi, Alaska”?!?! Gee, Governor, is that how you should salute your citizens in an official transcript?? Wouldn’t “Good evening, fellow Alaskans” be a bit more, say, professional??

And so funny to hear you, Governor Palin, say that nothing is more important than you being Governor…just when you are about to resign from that post after only one and a half years of service.

Jumping ahead a bit, as I will do frequently:

Alaska’s mission – to contribute to America. We’re strategic in the world as the air crossroads of the world, as a gatekeeper of the continent. Bold visionaries knew this – Alaska would be part of America’s great destiny.

Our destiny to be reached by responsibly developing our natural resources. This land, blessed with clean air, water, wildlife, minerals, and oil and gas. It’s energy! God gave us energy.

Just as God gave us nice warm pipelines for the caribou to keep warm, and rifles for you to shoot deer from your plane, right, Governor??

Next, the soon-to-be-ex-Guv hashed out a list of her “accomplishments” as governor, most of them related to servicing the oil industry…the same one that allowed her to boast about ofering $2,000 checks to every Alaskan, her opposition to evil Democrat Obamination “Socialism” nonewithstanding:

So much success in this first term – and with this success I am proud to take credit… for hiring the right people! Our goal was to achieve a gasline project, more fair oil and gas valuation, and ethics reform in four years. We did it in two. It’s because of the people… good public servants surrounding the Governor’s office, with servants’ hearts and astounding work ethic… they are Alaska’s success!

We are doing well! I wish you’d hear more from the media of your state’s progress and how we tackle Outside interests – daily – special interests that would stymie our state. Even those debt-ridden stimulus dollars that would force the heavy hand of federal government into our communities with an “all-knowing attitude” – I have taken the slings and arrows with that unpopular move to veto because I know being right is better than being popular. Some of those dollars would harm Alaska and harm America – I resisted those dollars because of the obscene national debt we’re forcing our children to pay, because of today’s Big Government spending; it’s immoral and doesn’t even make economic sense!

Another accomplishment – our Law Department protected states’ rights – two huge U.S. Supreme Court reversals came down against that liberal Ninth Circuit, deciding in our state’s favor over the last two weeks. We’re protectors of our Constitution – federalists protect states’ rights as mandated in 10th amendment.

Of course, when those obscene federal dollars go to padding the profits of the oil industry, or to build “bridges to nowhere” or certain sports arenas in one’s home town, she has a slightly different tune.

And how nice to claim that good old Sagebrush Populist rhetoric against Teh EVIL Federal Guviment and those dasterdly  LEEEEEE-brols….considering how much she proffited off the wealthy (how was that $150,000 wardrobe budget, anyway???) and defended the usual soak-the-poor Bush policies.

Political operatives descended on Alaska last August, digging for dirt. The ethics law I championed became their weapon of choice. Over the past nine months I’ve been accused of all sorts of frivolous ethics violations – such as holding a fish in a photograph, wearing a jacket with a logo on it, and answering reporters’ questions.

Every one – all 15 of the ethics complaints have been dismissed. We’ve won! But it hasn’t been cheap – the State has wasted thousands of hours of your time and shelled out some two million of your dollars to respond to “opposition research” – that’s money not going to fund teachers or troopers – or safer roads. And this political absurdity, the “politics of personal destruction” … Todd and I are looking at more than half a million dollars in legal bills in order to set the record straight. And what about the people who offer up these silly accusations? It doesn’t cost them a dime so they’re not going to stop draining public resources – spending other peoples’ money in their game.

It’s pretty insane – my staff and I spend most of our day dealing with this instead of progressing our state now. I know I promised no more “politics as usual,” but this isn’t what anyone had in mind for Alaska.

It would be so touching would it have been true…problem was, she wasn’t totally acquitted of all her ethics issues; in fact, she was reprimanded by the Alaska Senate for three particular violations of ethics, yet never disciplined. Not to mention that the “half a million dollars” in legal bills would have been paid for out of her SarahPAC committee…that is, if it was able to raise that much money.

Life is too short to compromise time and resources… it may be tempting and more comfortable to just keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand: “Sit down and shut up”, but that’s the worthless, easy path; that’s a quitter’s way out. And a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic to just hunker down and “go with the flow”.

Nah, only dead fish “go with the flow”.

No. Productive, fulfilled people determine where to put their efforts, choosing to wisely utilize precious time… to build up.

And there is such a need to build up and fight for our state and our country. I choose to fight for it! And I’ll work hard for others who still believe in free enterprise and smaller government; strong national security for our country and support for our troops; energy independence; and for those who will protect freedom and equality and life… I’ll work for and campaign for those proud to be American, and those who are inspired by our ideals and won’t deride them.

I will support others who seek to serve, in or out of office, for the right reasons, and I don’t care what party they’re in or no party at all. Inside Alaska – or Outside Alaska.

But I won’t do it from the Governor’s desk.

Actually, only dead salmon swim downhill with the flow; every other fish I’ve seen manages to go with the flow quite well. And what delicious irony: talking about the “quitter’s way out” while actually….quitting your day job. A unique, mavericky concept, I’d say.

And, of course, she defends herself as the latter day Joan of Arc, the female conservative Don Quixote slaying the evil windmills of Big Guviment Liberalism/Sellout, Cut-And-Run Democrat Socialism. Do I detect more of a pitch for a Fixed Noise gabfest seat here?? You betcha.

But here is where it starts going straight into Cloud Cookoo Land for St. Sarah of Wasilla…here comes the basketball analogy from the woman who played point guard in high school and was once glossed, with much consternation to Ann and Nancy Wilson of the rock group Heart, “Sarah the Barracuda”:

My choice is to take a stand and effect change – not hit our heads against the wall and watch valuable state time and money, millions of your dollars, go down the drain in this new environment. Rather, we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time, on another scale, and actually make a difference for our priorities – and so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans.

Let me go back to a comfortable analogy for me – sports… basketball. I use it because you’re naïve if you don’t see the national full-court press picking away right now: A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket… and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win. And I’m doing that – keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities – smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it’s time to pass the ball – for victory.

Actually, Ms. Palin, a good point guard knows how to break a full court press with the help of his/her teamates by putting people in the right positions and passing the ball enough to the right teammates to avoid a turnover or a 10-second half-court violation. A better analogy to what you are actually doing would be to have the point guard simply attack the press by…throwing the ball away out of bounds, then moaning to the refs about how too close the defenders are to you. Also, considering that your team has — to continue the basketball analogy — not particularly done a good job of scoring of late, as witnessed by the results of the last pickup game…errrrr. election, perhaps it may be time to either change up the strategy or bench the point guard for someone a bit more agile?? If you can’t handle Barack Obama one-on-one, how in the hell do you think that you can handle a full court press with Obama and Hillary Clinton and Newt Gingrich and Mittens Romney all up in your grill??

Some Alaskans don’t mind wasting public dollars and state time. I do. I cannot stand here as your Governor and allow millions upon millions of our dollars go to waste just so I can hold the title of Governor. And my children won’t allow it either.

Some will question the timing. Let’s just say, this decision has been in the works for awhile…

In fact, this decision comes after much consideration, and finally polling the most important people in my life – my children (where the count was unanimous… well, in response to asking: “Want me to make a positive difference and fight for ALL our children’s future from outside the Governor’s office?” It was four “yes’s” and one “hell yeah!” The “hell yeah” sealed it – and someday I’ll talk about the details of that… I think much of it had to do with the kids seeing their baby brother Trig mocked by some pretty mean-spirited adults recently.) Um, by the way, sure wish folks could ever, ever understand that we all could learn so much from someone like Trig – I know he needs me, but I need him even more… what a child can offer to set priorities right – that time is precious… the world needs more “Trigs”, not fewer.

But, but…b-b-b-b–but, Governor Palin…..isn’t being a Governor a part of your JOB??? I’d hardly think that since an entire three month sabbatical running as John McCain’s running mate and doing speeches throughout the lower 48 states would put that much of a dent on your schedule (I mean, doing the rubber chicken circuit certainly doesn’t stop  Bo Jindal from exercising his duties as Louisiana governor, doesn’t it??), then I figure that having your legal team do all the donkey work of defending you from all those legal issues at home would not necessarily interfere with your duties…right???

Oh…and as for using Trig as a human shield to cover your ass (and no, Governor, it is not so fine, either); did you twinkle your keys at him to get him to agree with your decision?? (Now, some would bring into the discussion the notion that Trig is not your son in the first place, but rather your daughter’s sun….but I won’t go there. Unlike you and the “Obama’s not a US citizen/Obama’s trained in a Indonesian radical Islamic madrassa sect/Obama is a tool of violent anti-American commie racists like Jerimiah Wright and Bill Ayers” sect to which you played your speeches to during the campain, I don’t believe in degenerating to rumors.)

*((Gotta put First Things First))*

First things first: as Governor, I love my job and I love Alaska. It hurts to make this choice but I am doing what’s best for Alaska. I’ve explained why… though I think of the saying on my parents’ refrigerator that says “Don’t explain: your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe you anyway.”

But I have given my reasons… no more “politics as usual” and I am taking my fight for what’s right – for Alaska – in a new direction.

Now…I would assume that that heading was part of the original transcript, but someone forgot to remove it prior to putting out the press relaese.  But, still…wouldn’t it be a bit more professional of me to suggest that maybe the state of Alaska’s Governor’s staff isn’t that much broke that they couldn’t have one proofreader to edit the speech BEFORE it goes out??

And we can certainly tell what this “new direction” will be: either as a Fixed Noise host or sub for InSanity or BillO or Beck, or even better, as Boss Limbaugh’s official fluffer…to grease the wheels for the ultimate run in 2012…either as the maverick Repub or an Independent.

In the words of General MacArthur said, “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.”

Damn.  Did Governor Palin miss out on English class because she was too busy beating full-court presses???  Paging Dr. Syntax, Dr. Syntax…report to the Alaska Governor’s Mansion, STAT!!!! And you can add a freakin’ American historian, too, since it was General Smith, not General MacArthur, who is credited with that quote.

On the other hand…I guess that since Governor Quitter Spice does consider resigning from her job as an advance in another direction, I guess that she must have thought she was on the right path.

And so we have…our winner of the Political Smack-Off for 2009. Not even Mark Sanford or Sammy Joe the Mob Leader or Michelle Bachmann could flame out so vividly.

And…Lisa Ann would still kick her ass. Physically, ethically, and morally. And she’s still a thousand times sexier, too. Your myopia, wingnut wankers.

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I’ll just leave it to the capable hands of Keith Olbermann for the last word (for now) on Quitter Spice.

Countdown with Keith Olbermann (MSNBC): 7/3/09 First segment on Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s resignation announcement, including interview with Vanity Fair editor/Palin biographer Todd Purdum (via YouTube)

And then, there is that “I will sue anyone who implies that there are rumors of future indictments” meme…which KO and targetted blogger Shannyn Moore dispatch quite nicely:

Countdown with Keith Olbermann (MSNBC): 7/3/09 Second segment on threats from Sarah Palin’s legal team to sue anyone for “defamation” regarding rumors of possible indictments, featureing interview with targeted blogger/Huffington Post columnist Shannyn Moore (via YouTube)

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Update 7/22/09:

Well, well, well…seems like soon-to-be-Ex-Governor Palin must have neglected her speechwriters, too….or else she was winging it as much with that speech as she has been with everything else.

The folks at Vanity Fair got a hold of the original transcript of the Palin resignation speech (NOT the copy relased at the Governor’s Office site and fisked here) and promptly sent their proofreaders and editors to work in debugging it.  The results, and their suggested changes, are now on display here. Trust me…you’ll enjoy this one.

Oh..and looky here….about those 15 allegations of ethics misconduct that Quitter Spice says was disproven?? Here comes #16..and this one she may not be able to beat back so glibbly.

And, in case that isn’t enough….guess who might just be coming to Alaska for a dancing tour??  Two word hint: Serra. Paylin. Heheh.